Archives for posts with tag: humor

Cross your fingers they get one of the "other great toys."

Are you feeling faint? Have a headache? Shooting pains in your abdomen? Leg cramps? Unexplained neck or back spasms? Mysterious burns? Nausea? Vertigo? Feel like small hands are strangling or crushing you? Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to give your child two quarters to get toys from the gumball machine.

Hasn’t little Timmy, or Jayden, or Beyonce, or whatever you named your precious darling been angry at you ever since you refused to buy them that XBOX Kinect, or Harry Potter Lego set, or hooker boots, or whatever the last thing they were incessantly whining that they needed? If you have already handed over the quarters, it may be time for extra vigilance in securing lighters and matches. And by all means don’t be fooled into giving them a safety pin or letting them anywhere near the sewing supplies. And better just keep them out of the kitchen altogether.

Very cute and so very disturbing.


Years ago I began spotting these hats around town. And when this trend hit, it hit big. Men by the thousands now parade the streets of Brooklyn in their summer uniforms: Seersucker shorts, white v-necked tee, aviator sunglasses, with a straw fedora on top. I was sick of this look by the first day. Hey hipsters, I’m gonna let you in on a secret: You are not members of the Buena Vista Social Club; you are from Ohio. Time to throw away your cliche of a hat.

Is it ok to let my dog off leash?

So, you have taken your precious pup to the beach. Great. They will probably have a great time. But please do not lose your mind when you see a townie’s Labrador taking itself for a leisurely solo swim. You have brought your city dog here; the dog that has never been off leash and the dog you have not trained at all. This dog will not return to you when called, will bark at squealing children, will kill wildlife, and will generally annoy everyone. Saying the dog’s name over and over again will not help the situation and could become an even larger annoyance than your rampaging accessory pet. Please do not expect that your dog will magically or though osmosis gain the manners of these splendid beach dogs. Their responsible owners have put in the time to train and teach them BEFORE letting them off leash. Your dog is the same little shit here as it is in the city so, NO, you should not let it off the leash.

Danger: Splashing Area

Your children are lovely, but you are a jerk.

If you take your kids to the beach they will splash you with water. No amount of lecturing or beating is going to change this behavior, so why don’t you lighten the frack up about it? If you wanted no contact with water than you have chosen the wrong vacation spot. I suggest a family trip to the desert; sure, everyone will be miserable the whole time but you will not get splashed with any completely harmless water and people nearby will not have to listen to you screaming at or threatening your offspring. Sounds great.

Also, if you let your children play in the sand and swim in the ocean all day they could be tired and cranky at dinner. How about not taking them to the most upscale restaurant at your destination. At this fancy place you will be paying $30 for a serving of quinoa and locally sourced scallops that they will just mush around the plate and try to throw at each other. I had to listen to your, “How dare you speak to your father that way,” lecture twice while attempting to enjoy my overpriced vacation cuisine and I felt terrible for your poor children. Wouldn’t they prefer hotdogs? Yes, they would be much happier with hotdogs and a set of parents with both empathy and the ability to relax.

Local seafood is expensive and should be thrown only during emergencies.

Does this beige swimsuit make me look naked?

I am not offended by most swimsuit fashion. I hate buying a suit and would not deride anyone for ill-fitting beach attire or displaying flesh that would never pass muster in glossy publications. We are all real people with interesting and unique forms. BUT, can we all agree to get a suit that is a few shades or more different from our skin color?  Either that or just go to the nude beach because that beige suit is so flattering that everyone thinks you are naked.