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If you lost your cheeseburger, it is on Olive Street just north of Metropolitan Ave beside the laundromat. Get it before the flies finish it off.

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If you lost thirteen milk crates full of embroidery thread, they are on Metropolitan Ave between Graham and Manhattan.

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If you lost your mounting template sticker, it is on Metropolitan Avenue between Humboldt and Graham. You made me say, “mounting template.”

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If you lost your Radium keyboard, it is on Powers Street between Humboldt and Graham, still in its carrying case.

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If you lost your unopened bag of granola, it is at the corner of Powers and Graham on top of the Village Voice kiosk beside Khim’s.

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If you lost your pinstriped homburg style hat, it is at the corner of Ainslie and Humboldt streets atop the graffiti adorned fire call box.

If you lost your old nasty air conditioner filter and positive pregnancy test, they are in Park Slope at Prospect and 6th Ave. (Photo and lost item spotting courtesy of Timothy O’Rourke)

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I keep seeing this hat around and have had my fill of it. If you are going to inflict this horribly ugly hat on the public, at least have the decency to put on the rest of your bear costume so your appearance is comical rather than just annoying.

Transcript: Once upon a time everything went wrong. A dragon killed everyone in town. And then they became zombies who felt the need to hump everyone they saw. So he got many diseases. He went to the zombie doctor to check out his big long juicy arm. It was fine thank baby Jesus. But then his booty hole was talking to him. So he went to the hard ware store to buy a hammer to shut it up. But as he was going to hit his butthole shut it said, “Baby please think about what your going to do.” Okay. Whats popping 5 nothing slime.

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If you lost your silver umbrella, container of stuffed grape leaves, half cup of red Jamba Juice, copy of King Magazine, pack of birth control pills, or large brown Norwegian rat, they are all on the uptown express track right by the middle staircase at the Union Square 4, 5, and 6 platform. When retrieving them, please be mindful of the third rail.